Ok, I Think I Get It...

Everything is done in 20 minute bursts, even this post will be written in stages as there is no way I have the opportunity to write this in one sitting.  I will, undoubtedly be summoned, alerted or notified in someway to tend to one if not both children.  This article will refer to some of the day to day activities that have been warped by young family life. Cooking:  There was a time where cooking was an enjoyable task and eating was unbound by time constraints. Today cooking is a fragmented, hurried task made worse by the knowing that the food, although delicious, will be eaten with forceful haste second only to a foie gras goose.  One pot recipes now rule the roost taking precedent over complex gastronomic courses.  Variety has been superseded  by a set list of known, quick, crowd pleasing dishes.  On occasion we may try something new but instantly regret using the brain power to fathom the processes. Eating Out:   A couple dining out toge...

My partner and I are pensively awaiting the arrival of our second child, it's late therefore he’s immediately taking after his mother.  My minor role in the business has been like that of a personal assistant, acting as the arms and legs and attempting bringing comfort to a clearly very uncomfortable lady.  It is rather spectacularly cruel what a lady goes through whilst constructing a child from within as in most cases comfort is unobtainable.  At the beginning, before they even realise that they are pregnant, the body provides prompts.  Hangover symptoms are forced upon them without even having drunk any alcohol.  Most of these side effects people know about, even the most oblivious has an idea of what to expect where you or someone else is expecting.  It’s the things you don’t expect when you’re expecting, particularly when you're overdue, that are more interesting, and these will likely differ on a case by case basis. Mobility is taken for granted...

Like most carbon based life forms I find myself in need of energy at three key points throughout the day with smaller non-essential wants in between.   To combat this need the family unit must visit a gargantuan palace of sustenance.  To summarise, I need to eat and I don’t need to but do snack, so I shop in a supermarket to buy food to eat.  To summarise the summary, humans eat food.  The build up to this expedition is not exciting, only the actual putting the fork into your mouth is the exciting part, everything else is preparation or evacuation.   For this article, I will be focusing on the preparation, no one wants to know about the evacuation (except for maybe Gastroenterologists) Preparation for the weekly shop originates when our last planned meal from the previous week expires and there are no basic elements of a complete meal available.  So we must consort the culinary literature.  Our library is a compilation of stained bo...

Owning a home comes with a great sense of pride and the journey to buying a home is a journey filled with dreams of grandeur.   At the beginning the bar is set ludicrously high.  The search criteria is not your own, but of a better version of yourself, the more successful version that doesn’t drink.  The budget is doubled and the search filters are checked; off street parking for the fleet, a walled, south facing Victorian garden, 5 double bedrooms, a character property with period features in a good location next to that outstanding school with great transport links.  “I don’t need a library, but an annex with development potential is a must!” Within 30 minutes the search filter boxes get un-ticked, that £100k doesn’t stretch quite as far as you thought and compromises are made.  Before you sat, salivating over the homes of the 1%, drool cascading from your open mouth “look at the AGA”.  Now you gaze at ex council houses 2 miles away from the go...

As a father (of a child, I am not ordained to my knowledge) I find myself watching children's television on occasion.  Most of you are aware of the concept, but for those who never had a childhood the basic rules of children's entertainment are as follows. So that you better connect with this post I have created a children's character named Poplop so I do not have to say 'the character' or 'the protagonist' over and over again... I prefer Poplop. Rule 1.   Language : Keep Poplop's language to a minimum and keep the swears on the down low.  I primarily refer to Poplop's general discussions with the supporting characters,  Ensure its babbled, garbled nonsense speak.  The narrator can be a poet laureate though... without this, the general narrative is lost. Rule B. Consistency :  Accept that there is none, Poplop may have only just got out of bed, and within 10 minutes he may be preparing to return to bed.  Rest assured any upsetting medical c...

The cat is like a lodger you pay for.  One day she was there, nervous, cagey.  She kept to herself mainly, slowly emerged from the cellar for food only to scurry away again and hide in a box and bolt out of that terrified.  4 years on, she changed.  The day goes as follow, she wakes us and baby up kindly around 6:50am, ten minutes before the baby has the pleasure.  I tend not to set an alarm anymore, I work like the native Americans, either the animals wake me or I do by having drank way to much juice the night before.  I trounce down to the kitchen, sleep still fused to my eyelashes and stand outside the door to the kitchen, greeted by what sounds like a tiny zombie trying to break to door down.  I turn the handle and watch as a screeching, furry mammal scurries around my ankles like a greasy weasel.  As I walk to the cupboard where her food is kept, she cranes her neck upwards and blocks my path, tripping me.  I feel as if she doesn’t...