The rules of children's programming
As a father (of a child, I am not ordained to my knowledge) I find myself watching children's television on occasion. Most of you are aware of the concept, but for those who never had a childhood the basic rules of children's entertainment are as follows.
So that you better connect with this post I have created a children's character named Poplop so I do not have to say 'the character' or 'the protagonist' over and over again... I prefer Poplop.
Rule 1. Language: Keep Poplop's language to a minimum and keep the swears on the down low. I primarily refer to Poplop's general discussions with the supporting characters, Ensure its babbled, garbled nonsense speak. The narrator can be a poet laureate though... without this, the general narrative is lost.
Rule B. Consistency: Accept that there is none, Poplop may have only just got out of bed, and within 10 minutes he may be preparing to return to bed. Rest assured any upsetting medical concern with Poplop will not be addressed.
Rule iii: Scale: The rules of physics do not apply, A car (probably a brightly coloured walnut with wheels, a face and a dopey beep for its method of communication) can be as big as the Poplop , smaller then Poplop or larger than Poplop at any point. Transitions between camera angles will decide the scale, but no logic will determine the cause.
Rule Four: Saturation: Your television will be tested here, colours never before rendered will bleach your screen and bathe you in a nuclear glow. The hypnotic effect should render the children inert, fixing them in place for a few moments.
Rule 5IVE: Repetition: An entire show can be about one seemingly unremarkable event. for example, Poplop, may have sneezed. The narrator, will be very surprised by this and really drill in to why this may have happened over and over again. Poplop, may try to get on with sewing or poking or flower, but the narrator will return time after time to ask why Poplop sneezed.
Rule V6: Music: There must be songs and they will be about self improvement. Poplop may dance to them but cannot sing them as he cannot speak properly and is tired due to the ever present sneezing fit. Poplop may create music through the use of instruments, these instruments will of course be brightly coloured, be made of waffles, have a face and the audible delights emitted will be pedestrian at best. Your child will remember them and ask you to sing along to them.
Rule Rule: Props: Poplop has an eclectic array of consumer goods that your child will want. These could be from a hat that sings and farts bubbles, to a scooter that has a pocket for conkers. Poplop will take great pleasure from utilising these and look incredibly smug in doing so, looking at the camera, receiving patronising praise from the narrator.
Rule 78: Intro/Outro: You as the parent or carer will enjoy the beginning and end, these are the most consistent thing that eases you in and out of the show, welcoming you into the chaos and adjusting you back into normality. More importantly, the child will too enjoy this, as he/she may remember the theme tune and wiggle out of sync to the beat.
At the end of the day, its not for you though is it, its for them...subtext, it is for you, you have 15 minutes to check your phone and have a stiff drink.
So that you better connect with this post I have created a children's character named Poplop so I do not have to say 'the character' or 'the protagonist' over and over again... I prefer Poplop.
Rule 1. Language: Keep Poplop's language to a minimum and keep the swears on the down low. I primarily refer to Poplop's general discussions with the supporting characters, Ensure its babbled, garbled nonsense speak. The narrator can be a poet laureate though... without this, the general narrative is lost.
Rule B. Consistency: Accept that there is none, Poplop may have only just got out of bed, and within 10 minutes he may be preparing to return to bed. Rest assured any upsetting medical concern with Poplop will not be addressed.
Rule iii: Scale: The rules of physics do not apply, A car (probably a brightly coloured walnut with wheels, a face and a dopey beep for its method of communication) can be as big as the Poplop , smaller then Poplop or larger than Poplop at any point. Transitions between camera angles will decide the scale, but no logic will determine the cause.
Rule Four: Saturation: Your television will be tested here, colours never before rendered will bleach your screen and bathe you in a nuclear glow. The hypnotic effect should render the children inert, fixing them in place for a few moments.
Rule 5IVE: Repetition: An entire show can be about one seemingly unremarkable event. for example, Poplop, may have sneezed. The narrator, will be very surprised by this and really drill in to why this may have happened over and over again. Poplop, may try to get on with sewing or poking or flower, but the narrator will return time after time to ask why Poplop sneezed.
Rule V6: Music: There must be songs and they will be about self improvement. Poplop may dance to them but cannot sing them as he cannot speak properly and is tired due to the ever present sneezing fit. Poplop may create music through the use of instruments, these instruments will of course be brightly coloured, be made of waffles, have a face and the audible delights emitted will be pedestrian at best. Your child will remember them and ask you to sing along to them.
Rule Rule: Props: Poplop has an eclectic array of consumer goods that your child will want. These could be from a hat that sings and farts bubbles, to a scooter that has a pocket for conkers. Poplop will take great pleasure from utilising these and look incredibly smug in doing so, looking at the camera, receiving patronising praise from the narrator.
Rule 78: Intro/Outro: You as the parent or carer will enjoy the beginning and end, these are the most consistent thing that eases you in and out of the show, welcoming you into the chaos and adjusting you back into normality. More importantly, the child will too enjoy this, as he/she may remember the theme tune and wiggle out of sync to the beat.
At the end of the day, its not for you though is it, its for them...subtext, it is for you, you have 15 minutes to check your phone and have a stiff drink.
Comments
Post a Comment