List Maker, Hunter, Gatherer.

Like most carbon based life forms I find myself in need of energy at three key points throughout the day with smaller non-essential wants in between.   To combat this need the family unit must visit a gargantuan palace of sustenance.  To summarise, I need to eat and I don’t need to but do snack, so I shop in a supermarket to buy food to eat.  To summarise the summary, humans eat food. 

The build up to this expedition is not exciting, only the actual putting the fork into your mouth is the exciting part, everything else is preparation or evacuation.   For this article, I will be focusing on the preparation, no one wants to know about the evacuation (except for maybe Gastroenterologists)

Preparation for the weekly shop originates when our last planned meal from the previous week expires and there are no basic elements of a complete meal available.  So we must consort the culinary literature.  Our library is a compilation of stained books, torn magazines and a journal that has one or two hand written recipes all of which are dedicated to the art of cookery.  I will speed read these, picking a source and recipe at random avoiding known dislikes, “no excessive use of garlic.  No beetroot”.  I will then arrange said articles across the work surface ready for review, selection and approval.  The list is written, forgotten elements are added at eureka moments throughout the day, “toilet paper!”

We arrive at the car park and stalk our prey, a family of four or more is an ideal target ensuring a large enough space, creeping slowly behind the family with a fully laden trolley, the alpha of the group indicates that they are not leaving their territory, the hunt continues.  A spot is located and our territory marked, “we've forgotten the bags”.  Upon entering we our eyes must adjust to the bleaching white light as we obtain a trolley and start our journey through the aisles of nourishment.

The list has been formatted, grouped and arranged in a similar layout to the shop for efficiency, starting at toiletries, moving to fruit and veg, meats and dairy, baked things, cereals, cleaning stuff, tinned, dried, pickled and finally but most importantly, liquids.  I find myself as a runner and my better half as director, “we need eggs, bagels, onions and ras el hanout” all of which are miles apart from one another, I return red faced and missing one if not all of the requested items.   Most of my time is spent relocating my partner after setting off on my quest.   I have come to believe that my partner crosses into another dimension when I have the hummus and Halloumi in hand on the return journey to the mother ship.  I traverse the avenues at speed looking left and right at each intersection, four or five times without success until I attempt a to call her and she appears behind me. 

Most items are procured, some are substituted and impulse buys are made.  The impulses make it worthwhile as I would never think to want Guinness flavoured cashew nuts.  Shopping online has ruined this for me.  We approach the checkout and identify the quickest moving queue by making snap judgements about those souls in a line.  Upon buying more bags for life we reflect on the whole shopping experience knowing we’re doing our bit for the environment whilst collecting luggage tokens. Finally, It is then the role of the patriarch to prove his strength by chivalrously lifting all of the overloaded bags at once to and from the car, burning the palms of the hands in the process.  


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